Marriage in the bank
There are endless books about how to improve your marriage or stabilise your marriage, or save your marriage etc. Most of them involve learning new communication skills and learning the ability to have disagreements with out animosity. Who could argue that this is not a good thing? But it does tend to focus on the negative.
Dr John Gottman (www.gottman.com) has a very interesting idea that marriage should be treated like a bank account. You need to pay in to be in credit, things get rocky when you are in deficit. This appeals to me because the concept is simple, and easy to put into practise, in fact healthy marriages do this automatically.
Ways to pay in.
- Create a culture as a couple. We all know those couples who stay married but live totally separate lives. This may suit a few, but couple that want to sty together need to do and like things together.
- Have a mission. Why are you a couple? Sit down and have a think about what you as a couple are for. This can be quite challenging, at the very least it asks the right questions of a relationship. What are you trying to achieve as a couple?
- Establish traditions that you as a couple celebrate.
- Be nostalgic. The 'do you remember' moments are the ones that make us bond together. I have even heard it used in marriage counselling when the counsellor wanted the couple to remember when they were in love and act in the same way now. A bit of Behavioural Therapy.
- Celebrate the story of your love. How you came together, the ups and downs.
- Stay connected. In our technological time its easier than ever to stay in touch. However technology is a double edged sword and it easily distracts us as well.
- Express appreciation often. We all know we should, but have to confess that it is easy to take those closest to you for granted.
When the account is in credit Dr Gottman points out that a marriage will survive crisis better and even thrive. For me its a reminder to put in the work as prevention is better than cure.
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